MONday, MARCH 24, 2003

Brody comes up big at Oscars

 

After watching the Academy Awards last night, I have a new hero.

In this world of people afraid to take a stand, of folks too timid to say or do what they really want, it's impossible not to admire ... Adrien Brody.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Mike, don't you mean you admire that leftist pinko commie weasel Michael Moore?

No, that isn't what I said, although Moore certainly enlivened the proceedings when he won the Best Documentary Oscar. Moore spoke out, but Brody was in the moment in a way every guy in the world could admire.

When Halle Berry announced Brody's name as a surprise winner for Best Actor, he strolled up to the stage, walked up to Berry and calmly bent her over backward.

Then he kissed her ... and kissed her ... and kissed her. If he'd had his tongue any farther down her throat, he'd have been massaging her spinal cord from the inside.

EDITOR'S NOTE: That's disgusting.

Not hardly, little buddy. If there's a more beautiful woman in the world than Halle Berry , she wasn't at the Oscars Sunday night. I guarantee that 90 percent of the men watching the show wished they were in Brody's shoes at that moment, and the other 10 percent were gay or dead or both.

Berry looked stunned, and if the cameras had been able to locate her husband in the audience, my guess is he would have been somewhat shocked too. It's not every day you get to see another man practically making love to your wife in front of a billion people.

For some reason, the moment reminded me of a comedy bit by the late Sam Kinison, who once said his favorite president was John F. Kennedy. JFK, Kinison said, could make love to Marilyn Monroe or Angie Dickinson at the same time he had his finger on the nuclear button telling Russia to back down over Cuba.

"It doesn't get any better than that," Kinison screamed.

I'm not sure life will ever get much better for Brody, who lost 30 pounds to star in Roman Polanski's brilliant "The Pianist." Not bad for a 29-year-old whose career started in Disney's "Angels in the Outfield." An Oscar and Halle Berry , all within a two-minute span.

Brody even took the opportunity to say something eloquent about the need for peace in the Middle East. He talked about his friend who was with the Army in Kuwait and then said that whether people believed in God or Allah, he hoped there would be a swift resolution to the war.

Then there was Michael Moore.

EDITOR'S NOTE: That pinko. They should take him out and shoot him.

Why did I know you would feel that way? Maybe because you celebrate Ronald Reagan's birthday, I suppose.

EDITOR'S NOTE: God bless the Gipper. If he were still president ...

He'd be smarter than George Dubya Bush, even with Alzheimer's Disease.

EDITOR'S NOTE: You can't say things like that about our great president.

Uh, hello. The last time I looked, this was still America . John Ashcroft hasn't abolished free speech yet, although I think the bill just passed Tom DeLay's committee and is heading to the full House.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Did you say, "Full House?"

Down, boy. When Moore accepted his award for Best Documentary for "Bowling for Columbine," he went off on Bush big time. "We live in fictitious times," he said. "We live in a time with fictitious election results that elect fictitious presidents. We live in a time when we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons. We are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you. Shame on you!"

Those folks who think Hollywood is a monolithic bunch of liberals might have been surprised to hear how many people booed Moore 's remarks.

EDITOR'S NOTE: They should have tarred and feathered him.

We don't do that anymore. Maybe they could have stripped him naked, shaved his backside and made him crawl across Hollywood Boulevard.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I like that.

I knew you would. Anyway, when Moore spoke to reporters backstage, he put it into perspective. "I'm an American, and you don't leave your citizenship behind when you enter the doors of the Kodak Theatre," he said. "What's great about this country is that you can speak your mind."

That's true, although there is such a thing as propriety. Moore has been whining about the Stolen Election of 2000 for nearly two and a half years now. Every time he mentions Bush in his writings, he refers to him as "president" Bush.

Uh, Mike. Mr. Moore. Get over it. The liberal idiots who voted for Ralph Nader - particularly in Florida - are the reason Bush is president. Not "president," president. The man is more than halfway through his first term, and he's not going anywhere unless the Democrats can nominate a candidate who can beat him in 2004.

The war isn't fictitious, either. It's real. I was opposed to going to war in Iraq, but now that we're at war, I want us to win as quickly as possible, remove Saddam Hussein from office and probably remove him from the ranks of living, breathing human beings.

That's why as much as I admire some of the work Moore has done, I was annoyed by his self-aggrandizing use of the Oscars to make a point that didn't really need making.

That's why Brody - not Moore - is my new hero.

When he met with the media backstage, he didn't pull out the old Kinison line and say it didn't get any better than that, but he did have a sly answer to one question.

A curious reporter asked him if the gorgeous, sexy Berry had returned his kiss.

Brody smiled before answering, "Oh, yeah."

At least for now, he is the man.