MONday, AUGUST 5, 2002

Words from a different voice

 

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: No, no, no! I can't take it any more!

What the ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: Shut up and sit down. This has been building up inside me for a long time.

But what about ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: Listen up, mister. The only "butt" I want to see is your oversized one sitting in a chair. It's my turn now.

Yes, sir.

EDITOR'S NOTE: You've been ranting and raving for almost two years now -- yes, I know the site is www.mikerappaport.com -- and I can only take so much. I'm not chopped liver. I've got a 166 IQ. I have some things I want to say to the readers and you might as well just bear with me. This is going to take a while.

Hey, you da man.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Damn right. Don't you forget it, either. Anyway, all these good people out there have no idea how hard it is working with a prima donna like you. You'd think you were Ernest Hemingway or Danielle Steele, the way you carry on sometimes.

I can't count the times, including this one, that your column has been in late and I've had to scramble to get it posted by a reasonable time. If it were just that you were polishing and polishing to get it perfect, I would understand, but half the time, the only reason it's in late is you went to the movies or something.

Then there's the question of your language.

My language?

EDITOR'S NOTE: Pipe down over there! In last Friday's column, you used the phrase "wet dream" to describe something or other. Do you know how much it hurt me to leave that in? I'm a God-fearing, Christian man. I don't have ... well, you know. I can't even bring myself to say it.

There were plenty of other times when you used words and phrases even more vulgar and I had to take them out. Sometimes after I edit your column, I spend hours asking the Lord to save your soul.

The Lord knows you need it.

Uh ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: Not a word. Not even a sound.

What about your choice of subjects? I send you suggestions every week for columns I know our readers would enjoy, and how often have you taken my suggestions? I'll tell you. Once. Mister Expert Columnist can't be bothered to take suggestions from the little people.

Actually, you're not so little.

EDITOR'S NOTE: One more word and I'll order the bailiff to have you gagged.

And another thing. You write about your wife and your kids so often. What, you don't think everybody has a wife and kids? You think yours are so special that they just give everyone a warm feeling inside to read about them? Let me tell you, buddy. I've got great kids too, but you don't see me writing about them. If there was a Website called www.editorsnote.com, I wouldn't waste people's time telling them every time my kid makes an ashtray at school.

Your problem is that you've never gotten over them taking your newspaper column away. You've got a bad case of "columnus interruptus" and you're still looking for a cure. Besides, your newspaper column was much nicer than the stuff here on the Web. You wrote about people and their dreams -- the positive side of life.

If you wrote more of that kind of stuff here, we would have a lot more readers. Instead, you're writing about corporate corruption and how stupid the president is and how baseball shouldn't go on strike. You sound like a grumpy old man sometimes.

So, Mister, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Nope, it's your show today.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Darn right it is, and don't you forget it. If you gave me total editorial control over this site, we would be winning awards and making money hand over fist. I would even be able to sell some ads other than the one we were offered for penile lengthening. It makes me shudder just to think about that one.

You lured me into running this site for you by promising me 50 percent of the gross receipts from dollar one. Silly me. I thought that was a good deal, especially after that guy Adam sold you the site by telling you it would gross $3,000 a month from the beginning.

Oh, sure. I know he sold you a bill of goods, but did you really have to trade in our only cow for a handful of magic beans?

Huh?

EDITOR'S NOTE: Never mind. I had a flashback to my childhood for a second. Anyway, you promised me 50 percent from dollar one, but the next dollar we make will be dollar one. You didn't tell me this was going to be a vanity site. If I had known that, I'd have demanded 75 percent.

Let me tell you, Mister Big Shot Columnist. Things are going to change around here. From now on, you clear all topics with me. You get a new picture taken so that people who visit the site aren't scared off by that lunatic look in your eyes. You watch your language and you get your columns in on time. Am I making myself perfectly clear?

Crystal clear. Do you feel better now that you got all that off your chest?

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes, I do. I feel much better. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my medicine.